TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have another area in which American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Every person a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a element becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting consideration from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge in which my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


An additional article from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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